(Present 9:30 p.m.)
“We need our rest guys, tomorrow is going to be a big day”, I said to my campers.
“But were not tired yet”, they would say back.
“OK, then just sit in your beds quietly and you can whisper amongst yourselves for a little while”.
“Yes! Thanks Danny you’re the best”.
I know that after just a few minutes the kids would go to bed anyway, because they are only 10 years old and they have been active all day, so they must be tired. It turns out my prediction is right, they whisper for just a few minutes and then they all fall asleep thinking that they have been up for hours.
(Past 9:30 p.m.)
It is getting late, but my cabin mates and I are not tired at all, then we hear our counselor say, “get it your beds guys it is really late, we have a lot to do tomorrow”.
But, we are not tired so we asked him if we could stay up for a little longer.
He said, "Ok fine, you guys can whisper quietly for a little while".
"Yes!" I said, Eric is the best counselor ever.
Because I did not have a clock with me, I guessed it was around midnight. And it seemed that we were the only cabin awake still at this hour. We had the best counselors ever. We were allowed to stay up as long as we wanted and eventually I decided to go to sleep at around 1230 based on how dark it was outside.
(Past 2:15 p.m.)
“It’s rest period guys, you need to get off your feet”, said my counselor.
As a kid I was usually a good listener, but sometimes I was a little out of control, just as all kids are sometimes. I was going away to summer camp for my fist time as a 10 year old boy. Being very shy and nervous, I did not know what to expect. It was the first day and I am sad to see my dad go but yet excited to see what sleep away camp will be like.
I really like where you are going with this. One thing I think you might want to look at is when you were a camper at the beginning of your essay, your counselor tells you it is rest period. I am confused if you mean it is time for the campers to go to bed? Because when your in the present and your the counselor you tell your campers to go to bed assuming its bedtime. Also, instead of starting the new paragraph or scene with (past), maybe start it with the time too. For example, (past, 9:58 PM). If you include this, the reader can see that it is 9:58, when you think it is 12:30 as a camper. Other than that, I think you are off to a great start.
ReplyDeleteI like the timings of things, but like alex said, if you could be a little more explicit with it that would make it more clear to the reader exactly what time it is. I really like all the dialogue because it paints a good picture, but try to not just say "He said"...say something that conveys what he was feeling. Also, there's repetition with you and the campers and then with you and your counselors but I dont quite understand...are you all at the same camp at the same time? try to clarify. Describe how you feel and your actions when you found out you could stay up later or when your campers told you how great you were. tell us how you reacted. good ideas, i like the main story alot.
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea for the paper its really interesting and I think I get the past and present thing. You are comparing your memories at the camp as a camper to now being there as a counselor. I think thats a great connection and it makes the reading interesting. I suggest you do more showing though and less telling. For example instead of saying "they had an active day" maybe describe something they did that was active or when you say "but I was a little out of control" give an example of a time you were out of control as a ten year old. Over all though its a really good start!!
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